Twilight Zone

Oh. My. Gosh. Tomorrow is the big day. I'm a bit (a LOT) nervous. Sometimes I'm excited, too, but mostly, I'm just nervous.

Now. The dean's meeting. I had asked one of the girls what the meeting was going to be about, because I had no clue, and I didn't want to be completely taken off guard. She just told me that it wasn't about personal issues, that they just wanted to make sure we'd be able to work together... I accepted that and didn't question it further.

So, when the meeting started, I was surprised to find out that there was something more specific. Apparently, there was an e-mail sent to the two girls about a week after the initial incident. I don't know what was in the e-mail - no one will show it to me - but it was taken as a threat against their grades. A threat that I somehow initiated, or had some hand in. This same friend has offered several times to intervene, and I've told her no. This is my issue, and I'd never ask anyone else to get involved. It's painful enough for me, I don't want to muddle it up with other people. Because then stuff like this happens... Sigh. So all the anger this last week has had a source: this e-mail. I feel like there is this war raging around me, and I am five steps behind on the battlefield, searching for clues among the rubble.

I'm still not angry. I'm confused. I'm so terribly confused. I so desperately want to understand why this is all happening, but no one will tell me anything. And then they don't believe that I don't know anything! Why would I lie? What on earth would that accomplish? I do not lie. I've always been a bad liar; people can see right through me. When you're as bad as I am, you learn that telling the truth is much safer. But apparently, I look like I'm lying when I tell the truth, too.

At this point, I don't care what the e-mail said. I care that I am being labeled a liar for not knowing about it, and I care that people would think that I'd try to sabotage their grades. I don't know how these people have gotten this image of me in their head. I've done some not-nice things - I'd be the first to admit that, but I am not this... evil person that they seem to think I am. And, really, the only thing I've done is to talk - all of this mess is due to me saying things to people that I thought were my friends. We used to be friends. Did they not, at some point, recognize some goodness in me?

An old friend of mine claims that I walk into the Twilight Zone every time I come back to North Carolina. I think that may be the least confusing explanation I've heard...