Strange Days

I have never really been in a 'relationship.' There are many reasons for this, which I won't be going into today. Suffice it to say, I have not suffered a break-up since I was 16. I've 'dated' people, but I've always been the one to end things. And, as bad as this may sound: it did not hurt. I felt guilt, but not the emptiness that comes along with being dumped.

Last night, I was dumped. By my friends. I didn't even know that it was possible to do such a thing. But after sitting in a grocery store parking lot at 3 in the morning getting yelled at... I see that it is possible. These words were spoken: "why did you come, if it was obvious that you weren't welcome." There were other words, too, but I'll keep those.

I'm 25 years old. Do people actually do these things? I feel as if I'm in a dream - a nightmare - and I'm desperately trying to wake myself up. Funny thing is, I had a bad dream a few weeks ago: I was at a grocery store, and ran into these (and other) friends. They were all mad at me, and were mean. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I woke up feeling awful. Was someone trying to warn me? To stay away from grocery stores, anyway?

I'm not sure what to do next. If I do try to patch things up, they may yell at me again, and they will not believe me. That was made clear. If I don't try to patch things up, I am making life harder for everyone else. People who do not deserve to be dragged into this. I am not blameless here. I've often behaved poorly, but I've never set out to hurt anyone. I feel awful that it has turned out that way. Intentionally or not, I've obviously hurt people enough to cause this scene. I had been been trying to make things better, too, which is the funny thing. I've been trying to take a step back, because I realize that I've been angering people. But taking a step back seems to have caused even more anger.

I've been trying to watch out for everyone, and am accused of only looking out for myself. I guess it is time to switch gears, and really do what I'm accused of.

I guess this is good for me. No one should live life without being dumped on occasion. It must make you stronger in some way. Some day I'll figure it out. Until then, I'm allowed to shed copious tears for the loss of not one, but two relationships.