Oh Yes Wyoming!

Anyone who lives inside my head knows that I hate car commercials. I think they are completely boring and pointless and irritating and all those other bad things. Some commercials are great. Usually, they are not for cars. Occasionally, there is a commercial that you really sit and watch. Lately, these have been showing up online. The latest big new one is Seinfeld and Superman for American Express. Pretty clever. I'm not encouraging anyone to go get an American Express card, but I AM encouraging everyone to memorize the Sing-a-long song. That way you can all sing with me!!! Oh, yes Wyoming!

Perspective

I find it hard to be concerned with taking this test, when there is stuff like this going on in the world. I just don't understand.

Why you shouldn't let me prescribe medication:

CUMULATIVE TEST ANALYSIS

OVERALL PERFORMANCE ANALYSIS
Distinct Questions Taken: 1536

Overall Correct:61%

Number correct: 1198
Number incorrect: 773

Disciplines

Behavioral Sciences 79%
Biochemistry 53%
Biostatistics 60%
Cell Biology 57%
Embryology 65%
Genetics 67%
Gross Anatomy 51%
Histology 64%

Immunology 65%
Microbiology 57%
Molecular Biology 45%
Pathology 62%
Pathophysiology 71%
Pharm/Therapeutics 47%
Physiology 64%

Silly Dramatic Essence

Brenna says: i started a blog

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: a blog?

Brenna says: it is a good way to procrastinate

Brenna says: yes... blog... you know...blog.

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: nah

Brenna says: you haven't heard of blogs?

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: nope

Brenna says: hmmm...that surprises me.... Blog = weblog. People just write junk online

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: oh weird

Brenna says: it's fun

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: you're not gong to show me yours?

Brenna says: want the address? it really is just ramblings, but I have a good time : http://bay-bay.blogspot.com

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: sure thing

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: ok brenna

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: #1 your life should be one of those hilarious sitcoms

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: u do odd things...

Brenna says: why?

Brenna says: I do?

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: haha

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: you're just funny

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: and u need to write a book

Brenna says: well... thanks, I guess...

Brenna says: what sort of book?

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: biblio

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: life story

Brenna says: that would be fun

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: ok

Brenna says: and much less stressful than actually living the life!

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: but your life has this silly dramatic essence

Brenna says: "silly dramatic essence" I like that

visit my webpage, fools --> www.nocondiments.com says: but definetly relatable

The end is near

Let's get this freaking thing over with! Y'all are invited to a party at my house on Friday night. Come on over, it will be great much fun. I can't wait!!!!!!!

What happened today? Well, I watched a lot of television. Apparently, somewhere on the medical liscencing (I can NEVER spell that word right...) exam, there will be a section on Trading Spaces because I've been watching an awful lot of that. I betcha I get a 100% in the "Paint" section. Yeah, right.

Well. I'm hungry. Again and always. I want cake, and I'm gonna eat it!!!!!

Vows of Silence

I think I can remember every word I've spoken out loud today. As long as you don't count the random mumbling I do to myself as I do practice test questions - who knows what I say at those times! It really is amazing how isolated one can be - even while out doing things. I had breakfast at Panera, coffee at Starbucks, went to the Y for yoga, and then to Qdoba for dinner. Beyond placing my orders and saying 'namaste' at the end of yoga - I don't think I've said ANYthing else. If you've never met me, you wouldn't realize what a large statement this is. I talk. I talk a lot. In my sleep, during movies, during church, at the dentist... I'm just amazed that I could and did make it through a day without saying many words.

I've actually thought it would be a fun challenge for myself - to see if I could go a whole day without talking. I never thought I could, but I've got a renewed faith in myself now. Down with talking!!!

I always used to challenge myself to do things when I was a kid. I'd decide to be blind and go everywhere in the house with my eyes closed. Another of my favorites was to pretend I didn't have knees. (I'm really quite adept at getting up and down stairs without bending my knees as a result!) Or I would sing everything, and it would have to rhyme. Odd behavior? Perhaps. Fun? Definitely. I recommend that you all try it: close your eyes and straighten those legs and go have fun!

Slow computers...

...really annoy me. My brain is moving much to fast to sit and wait for the computer to catch up. Though... it is just the Kaplan web site that is being slow. Maybe that just means I should be done studying for the day. That's actually not a bad idea, now that I think of it. I need to get up early and hit it all again. Today was a good study day (I even raised my overall average to 61%!!!!). I hope the next three days will be as well - then that is it! I'm done! I can't wait.

Of course, now that this is coming to an end, all that other junk is resurfacing in my mind. Maybe it is just hormones. I miss my friends. That's all. Though I must say, I've had the opportunity to spend more time with several people that I've neglected in the past. It has been very nice. People are so cool. I wish that could be my job: hanging out with people. That would be ideal.

I only get hungry at night. I barely eat during the day any more, but hit 10 or 11 pm, and I'm liable to eat... anything, really. Mmm. Don't brownies sound good?

Magic 8 Ball

I am always trying to predict the future. The Magic 8 ball is just one of my methods. I like playing with Tarot cards, and other random 'future-telling' gadgets. I don't ever actually believe any of it, but that doesn't make me stop. Why the fascination? Why try to hurry everything along? I'm just impatient, I guess - I want to know what's next right now! It's all very exciting. But I think I'm glad that the 8 ball isn't always right, after all.

In other news: my parents purchased a new house. I knew this was coming - that didn't even take the Tarot cards. They've been looking at houses, and talking about this for a long time now. My baby sister is about to graduate from high school, and my mom is dreading the empty nest. My dad is just a gypsy at heart, I think (like me) and gets bored of the same place. I'm intrigued to see what my parents have gotten themselves into. It is a 'fixer-upper.' And not of the "Money Pit really-nice-but-falling-apart-watch-out-for-the-hole-in-the-floor" variety. It's more of the "Sling Blade bury-your-dead-baby-brother-in-the-backyard-shed" variety. According to my sisters anyway. Actually, it doesn't sound bad as all that...quite. I'll be home in April and I'll get to see the new house. It comes with a farmer.

I've never owned a farmer before. I don't even think that my Fisher Price barn had one, although I may have been too hypnotically attracted to the mooing sound the barn door made when you opened it to ever notice presence or lack of Farmer. I suppose technically, we don't actually OWN this farmer - just the land that he farms. Maybe it is a she? I wonder if the feminist movement reached the farming industry.

There are so many important things to do right now, but they just don't interest me. I need a Magic 8 ball and a Fisher Price barn... that'd be fun...

Why.

When you apply the medical school, the big question is: Why? Why do you want to be a doctor? Why this school? Why should we accept you? I often had the hardest time with that first one - why did I want to be a doctor? Why do I? During that application time, everyone comes up with their own unique way of saying "I want to help people" without coming right out and saying that. We don't want to be trite, after all.

Getting into my school was one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me. It took me three years of applications, essays and interviews to find the right way to say "I want to help people." And after all that time of professing that belief, I really believed it myself. The first few weeks of school, I was fired up. I was not learning anatomy for my own good - it was for 'my patients.' I spent hours learning blood supply to the GI tract, because some day, I'd use that information to help 'my patients.' It was exciting, and inspirational, and really hard to keep up.

It was not long before I realized there was no way to learn the vast amount of information being thrown haphazardly at us. I went from studying for 'my patients' to studying to survive. I was swimming in this vast ocean of facts, and it was really hard to keep my head above water. And it just kept getting worse: no land in sight.

Eventually, I got used to the sensation of almost drowning almost constantly, and started to look around me, at my classmates - my fellow oceanic swimmers. What an amazing group. I cannot imagine a more intimidating collection of people, than a medical school class. Everyone in it has worked hard. Very hard. For a long, long time. No one in it is used to losing, or even to showing any weakness. We may all be slowly drowning, but very few will ask for a life jacket. So everyone tries to play it off like they are okay. Like they are equipped with webbed feet and gills (not intended to be a reference to Waterworld, but whatcha gonna do?), and can swim forever. Groups of us come together, and come to depend on one another to survive. There really is no other way

We've finished our academic portion of med school now, and are studying to take a really big test. I feel like I finally made it to an island in this ocean, and am finally able to get my bearings. Finally. There is a different perspective from here. I can see where I came from, and I can see what I've lost on my journey. I had lost the passion for 'my patients' -- my why. I had also lost my own sense of identity - sans webs, sans gills, sans survival group. I am glad to be here. I feel calm, and I'm learning new things.

And, all of a sudden, I've found my why. There was a sunset the other night and the sky actually looked like mother of pearl. It was amazing. Last week, I went home for lunch, and heard nearby churches' bells, and just stood in my parking lot listening. A few days ago, I saw a brother and sister playing... This is my why. I want to help people, yes, but this is _what_ I want to help them do: to enjoy sunsets, to be able to stop and stand and to be at peace, to be able to play - freely, without pain, without worry.

There have been many times when I doubted myself, and doubted my desire to be a doctor. I felt I made everything up just to get into medical school, and that it was all a sham. It is nice to have my why again. Because there is a lot more ocean left out there, and I doubt I'll remember to ask for that life jacket.

Blue

I just realized that everything I'm wearing today is blue. I dind't plan on that. They say that your favorite color is whatever you have the most of in your wardrobe. For me, I guess that is blue. But, really, I want to be a person who had red as a favorite color. Time to go shopping!

Or not. The girl who is about to ask her parents for several thousand dollars to survive until her next loan disbursement comes in (late August) cannot afford to go buy clothes. Or to eat, really...!

At least studying is free. And in great abundance!

Ob la di...

...life does go on, though not always the way one imagines it will. For perhaps the first time in my life, I'm taking a stand. I am not going to apologize. I do feel the incredible urge to try to smoothe everything over with my... friends. I still want to call them friends, so I will. That may change. I've decided that I don't need to apologize, though. If there is an apology due, I say it is to me. Not for the things that were said, but for the manner in which it was handled. There was no reason to yell. There was no reason for it to be two against one, with no even semi-impartial person there. That was not fair to me, so I am not going to be the one to apologize.

If this makes no sense, read my last entry. :)

Other than obsessing, and trying hard to remain firm in my decisions, I'm trying desperately to study. I am in medical school, and I do have one of the most important tests of my life coming up in less than two weeks. This should be the most important thing to me right now. Unfortunately, I am ruled a lot more by emotion, and personal interactions than by my desire to succeed professionally. This may be my downfall some day. Or, who knows? It could be a good quality for a physician to have. I just wish I could turn it off for now!

I Want a Famous Face. MTV. Are these people for real???

Strange Days

I have never really been in a 'relationship.' There are many reasons for this, which I won't be going into today. Suffice it to say, I have not suffered a break-up since I was 16. I've 'dated' people, but I've always been the one to end things. And, as bad as this may sound: it did not hurt. I felt guilt, but not the emptiness that comes along with being dumped.

Last night, I was dumped. By my friends. I didn't even know that it was possible to do such a thing. But after sitting in a grocery store parking lot at 3 in the morning getting yelled at... I see that it is possible. These words were spoken: "why did you come, if it was obvious that you weren't welcome." There were other words, too, but I'll keep those.

I'm 25 years old. Do people actually do these things? I feel as if I'm in a dream - a nightmare - and I'm desperately trying to wake myself up. Funny thing is, I had a bad dream a few weeks ago: I was at a grocery store, and ran into these (and other) friends. They were all mad at me, and were mean. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I woke up feeling awful. Was someone trying to warn me? To stay away from grocery stores, anyway?

I'm not sure what to do next. If I do try to patch things up, they may yell at me again, and they will not believe me. That was made clear. If I don't try to patch things up, I am making life harder for everyone else. People who do not deserve to be dragged into this. I am not blameless here. I've often behaved poorly, but I've never set out to hurt anyone. I feel awful that it has turned out that way. Intentionally or not, I've obviously hurt people enough to cause this scene. I had been been trying to make things better, too, which is the funny thing. I've been trying to take a step back, because I realize that I've been angering people. But taking a step back seems to have caused even more anger.

I've been trying to watch out for everyone, and am accused of only looking out for myself. I guess it is time to switch gears, and really do what I'm accused of.

I guess this is good for me. No one should live life without being dumped on occasion. It must make you stronger in some way. Some day I'll figure it out. Until then, I'm allowed to shed copious tears for the loss of not one, but two relationships.

Hair Cut!

I just cut all my hair off! It went from here to here. :) It was about half-way down my back, now it is at my chin. I always enjoy the big hair cuts. I think that's the only reason I bother growing my hair out - just to experience the novelty of such weightlessness on my head. It just barely gets into a ponytail. Kind of. More like an exploding ponytail.

It's Friday, and I slept in, and got a haircut, and went to the gym... Now I need to study. There are movies to be seen, and parties to attend, but not by me tonight. Maybe I'll have my very own Blockbuster night, though...

"Home" sick

American Idol

After I dragged (drug?) myself out of the pit of watching Survivor (I watched the first two seasons religiously), I thought I had eradicated the RTVV. That's the "Reality Television Virus." It is quite catching. I had hoped that, like chicken pox, you could only get it once. It turns out that, like chicken pox, it really just moves into a latent phase, waiting to strike again when you least expect it. Unlike chicken pox, it doesn't lead to a painful skin lesion following the path of a dermatome (shingles). It just leads you to watch ALL reality TV shows imaginable.

Here's my list: American Idol, The Apprentice, Top Model, Forever Eden, Playing it Straight. And now there is one coming out called The Swan.. Personally, I think it is an absolutely AWFUL premise, yet I feel drawn to it. I blame RTVV.

American Idol was amazing last night. I really like John Peter Lewis. There is no reason, other than the fact that he is just having fun. I get the feeling that he decided to audition as some joke, and the fact that he's made it this far totally amazes him. Granted, the fact that he flew to Hawaii to audition, which probably means that he invested more than a passing thought in the competition. But, doesn't he seemed amazed to have made it this far? Humble, anyway. That said, the guy has no chance of winning. Not that I can see. My favorite idol website. Go Fantasia!

I missed Top Model, but I see April was kicked off. Huh. I thought she'd win. Looks like Shandi's got it.

I must get started. It is after 1, and I have yet to open a book today. Le sigh...

I'm a Freaking Genius

Well, okay, not really, but I mean... c'mon, I've got to be pretty close... you know? I mean... Please? Just humor me? Fabulous.

I'M A GENIUS!!!!!!

Back to work.

This is a Test

I'm testing this out. Bear with me. Bare with me? No, I'm remaining clothed. What you do is up to you...

Where I am

Don't you love...

...Mondays??

Read this book: The Vagabond by, Collette.

But wait until I've finished reading it. I just started it, and I am quite in love. I'll let you know.

Success!

I made it to the 60% mark... Supposedly you only need to score in the 65-70% range to pass the boards. I have three more weeks to get there.

Let me give you fair warning: I've only scored a 46% in pharmacology. Do NOT let me prescribe any medications to you. But if you want a diagnosis, I'll be your girl. Well, at least 60% of the time.

The Practice is on tonight. I always hated the show, but got hooked on it last year because my friends always watched it. Now, they don't watch it as much, but I do. Something seems wrong with that.

HA! I've just fallen out of the weekly Sunday anti-social mode. Time to find people to annoy. Another of my specialties....

The Hand of Fate.

So, this blogging thing. I still don't really know what I'm doing... (Or why.) But I feel that I must learn how to do this soon... I have a great fear of being one of those 85 year old ladies attending "Create Your Own Blog" course in the nursing home, and just NOT getting it, thus instilling an abiding fear in the poor little high school kid about ever growing old, so much so that they get terrified of doing ANYthing, and they end up living at home with their parents until they are 45, and then they go rob a liquor store just do do SOMEthing different, and then they get shot by the over-zealous store owner with his brand new semi-automatic, and then no one will come to the funeral because they lost all their friends while they were holed up in their parent's basement trying to avoid growing old. I can't be responsible for that! So, I am learning now. I've got a good 60 years to get it down, before I'm that 85-year old woman, so hopefully that will be enough time.

I stayed up until five watching a made-for-TV movie about a high school lesbian. I really don't know why. I'm: a) not in high school; b) not a lesbian; and c) tired as a result of the late night. Someone should take away my TV.

Does anyone else specialize in epiphanies like I do? I have lots of epiphanies. Trouble is, I never seem to follow through on them... Oh, well. Today's epiphany: if I am uncomfortable in a situation - I can leave! Now, this may not seem earth-shattering, and I probably would have spouted some such inspirational jibber-jabber to friends at any given time in the past. But today it feels true. I believe it! Thus the epiphany. We'll see if tomorrow brings any more.

Back to studying... I'm averaging a 59% on Kaplan Q-Bank for my boards studies. My goal is to bump that up to a 60% today, however transiently. Wish me luck!

It snowed last week. But now that it is approaching 'spring' here in lovely North Carolina, the AC is on and I'm freezing. I used to have warm hands all the time, but I've apparently gotten nicer as I've aged, because now my hands are always cold. You know: cold hands, warm heart. Yeah, right. Cold hands, cranky me.

It is Saturday night, and I'm off to go... study. Yes, that's right folks. Study. Welcome to the exciting topsy-turvy world of the medical student. I feel the need to take out a PSA aimed at all the poor saps vying desperately to gain admittance to medical school.

:::Picture: Me. Studying, with the calendar clearly showing that it is Saturday.:::
TITLE: How much do you really want to 'help people?'

Something along those lines, anyway. I'd come up with something better, but my hands are too cold.

Caffeine makes me think better, and it dilates blood vessels (because it is a phosphodiesterase inhibitor - just like Viagra!), so I'm gonna go get some and hope that my hands warm up. Warm hands, happy me.

In the meantime...

Clues to my background.

I should really be studying.