Existential Crisis

So, I've not been all that productive lately. And by 'not all that productive,' I do, in fact, mean that I have been spending the majority of my time knitting, watching TV and playing Minesweeper. Part of that goes along with the rotation that I'm on. And part if it is just my general Lack of Motivation.

I've decided that I'm having an existential crisis. Doesn't that sound romantic?!

Ah, but wherein lies the root if this crisis? And, more importantly, how do I get out of it so that I can do important things like Study for Step 3 of the Boards, or Exercise or Get Off My Butt and Make Some Friends Already?

There is this sense that I (and others - I do talk to people still) have in residency. The "I Deserve It Because I Work Hard" sense. It is really just an excuse to do whatever the hell I feel like doing. Because, heck. I work hard. Yet, even in these times when I'm not working hard (i.e. on an Advocacy rotation), I continue to do whatever the heck I feel like doing. Like I'm a Pleasure Camel. Hmm. That sounds kind of dirty. I just mean that it is as if I'm trying to build up a stock of Relaxed Time to get me through the more difficult months I know are coming.

But that ain't gonna work, sister. I may have a hump, and people may call be Sally. But I'm no camel.

Actually, I don't have a hump, and no one has ever called me Sally.

Still not a camel, though.

The flip side of the "I Deserve It Because I Work Hard" coin is the "I Deserve It Because I Do Good Things For People." And here is where I think I start to get into trouble. Because I don't honestly think I'm doing all that much Good right now. Big Good, I mean. Sure I do little good - getting a toddler through an exam without torturing them, calming parents down about antibiotics, etcetera. And I'm definitely doing more good than I was as a medical student, where the good was solely and completely theoretical, and sometimes consisted of doing bad so that the patient knew the difference.

But Good? In the big, life-changing, world-altering sense? Or even in the Being A Good Person Most of the Time sense? I don't know. I'm lazy. I watch too much TV. I don't study enough. Somehow the "I Deserve It" part of that coin has taken over, and I justify my deserving it without actually doing anything to earn it.

Granted I'm not out doing drugs, soliciting sex or knocking over kids' sand castles at the beach or anything.

But I'm not out... I don't know... finding the cure for AIDS, either. Or the cure for the common cold, which would help my patients even more at this point.

I think on some level, I'm starting to resent the patients - or at least the practice of medicine. It takes away so much of my life. Think of what I'd be doing if I hadn't spent the last 10 years of my life figuring out how to get into medical school, studying, volunteering, making myself a better candidate for residency, etcetera, etcetera. I could be married! I could have kids! I could have been on a reality TV show!!

And my way of retaliating is to waste time. Time that could - and, as a resident, really should - be used to make myself a better doctor.

Sigh. I don't know what the answer is. It is a crisis, after all, right? An existential crisis? I don't think crises are supposed to have easy answers.

I do know that most days, especially ones where I've worked really hard, I feel more fulfilled than I could possibly imagine in any other job. I know the thought of working in a field outside of medicine (and peds specifically) seems utterly ridiculous. I know that I'd rather work hard than watch TV all day long.

So, for now, I think I'll keep plodding along. Like a Pleasure Camel.

Watch out, though. I spit.



(Come on, you've gotta get that movie reference... which leads to a Theme Park Reference, and from there, to the more obsure 80's TV sitcom reference)