Want to turn a control freak into a completely crazy person? Make it take months for her to get pregnant. Trying to get pregnant with Marian was the MOST stressful thing I have ever been through in my life.
Got a big test to take? I can study for that.
A presentation to give? I can practice.
Try to find a job after residency? Keep applying and interviewing until I find the right fit.
A patient is deteriorating rapidly? That's why I went to school for so long, and have a good team of people to work with.
Sky dive? Been there, done that.
Try to get pregnant? No control.
Obviously, there are SOME things you can control while trying to get pregnant. But when it comes down to it, the magical inner workings of the body are not under my direct supervision. Was there something I could control (bonus points if it is something I'm really good at)? Testing. Did you know you can buy a pack of 50 pregnancy tests for $18.99? Well, you can. And I did. The earliest pregnancy tests on the market claim to give positive results up to 5 days before your missed period, so that was when I would start testing. And I would keep testing every day after that. Sometimes twice a day.
These tests are little, the testing surface can be uneven, and it is really easy to make yourself see faint lines in them. I would spend all day scrutinizing that morning's test, looking at in in different lighting and at different angles, squinting at it forever, trying to figure out if there was a second line there or not. Like I said, I'm good at tests. Except I kept failing these particular tests! I went through not-quite 50 in about 5-6 months.
It ended up taking us about seven months to get pregnant. Seven months during which the obsessive part of my personality became extreme and scary (thankfully mostly self-directed). And that was without entering the world of infertility treatments. I ultimately did a month of acupuncture as a soft 'intro' for possibly starting infertility treatments. Whether it was just timing in general, or the acupuncture, I finally got pregnant! My last period before I finally got my positive pregnancy test was on May 23, 2011.
When we decided to try for baby #2, I did not want to become that crazy person again.
I determined that I was happy to be a mother, and would be perfectly content with only one child if necessary. I did have a few of the "internet cheapie" pregnancy tests left, and I did use them (hey, hard to drop old habits!), but I mostly made myself stick with the expensive pregnancy tests.
We started trying in about June of 2013. Remarkably, I did feel much calmer the second time around, and not nearly so devastated each month when "Aunt Flo" arrived.
Late in September, I started feeling pregnant. My symptoms come early - nausea and exhaustion. I was cautiously optimistic, but put off testing because Marc and I were about to have our first night away from Marian ever for a wedding! A wedding with wine! My cycle was due to start the day before the wedding, but I didn't test. The crazy, obsessive part of my being was tapping on my shoulder, but the new, zen-like Mother of a Toddler was stronger.
We had a great time at the wedding, though I was tired and mildly nauseated. I enjoyed a grand total of about half a glass of wine. After the wedding, Marc and I attempted to walk around San Francisco for a while, but I was exhausted, so we were asleep pretty early.
The next morning, I used my fancy test, and there it was - no squinting or second guessing or going crazy: PREGNANT.
My very first response was actually a bit of sadness. I had grown so used to having Marian as an only child, and had worked so hard to accept that as a possible way of life, that the thought of another child entering the family made me a bit sad for her. I got over that quickly, however, and was very excited to have another child on the way.
For exactly seven weeks and one day, I was excited for that second child. Then on November 18th, we had our first ultrasound and my world changed forever!
To be continued...
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